The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
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my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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