As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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