please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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