Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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