you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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