I smell stomach acid.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
