Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
