The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just high enough for therapy.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
