I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize