she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
