part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
