I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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