I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
