god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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