Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
