she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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