If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize