I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
