I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
