I think my vagina is haunted
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think my moral compass just broke
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