how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
