dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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