I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
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yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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