Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
