oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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