the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
