my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
