i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
