Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I touched a dick in church today
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
