hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
