I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
