White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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