Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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