Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i love accidental penises.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
