I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
