Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
