You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
