Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
