Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
