he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
