and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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