You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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