I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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