Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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