if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
