i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Randomize
