Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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