So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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