keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
