he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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