nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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