So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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