I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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