any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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